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  • Benjamin Leppier

Men do you routinely get rejected when asking for sex?


Its a common issue for men, they want more sex than their partners. That's just kinda the way it is. This can lead to resentment on both sides of the relationship, men resenting not getting it 'enough', women resenting being asked for it over and over again, turning something wonderful into a total drag. When it eventually happens the man feels barely satisfied because he should have had it by now, the women feels unappreciated and can only see sex as a chore.

I can't tell you how common this is and guess what, its its not tolerated at all on either side, it leads to arguments, aggression, infidelity, attacking, manipulation, withholding, controlling and misery. Despite all of that we still keep doing what we have always done, I am sure desperately hoping for a better result, but nothing changes and on and on it goes driving a wedge into the marriage, divorce or misery being the only options.

It really doesn't need to be this way, believe it or not men can be taught how to love their wives, cherish their wives, adore their wives whilst at the same time letting go of their need for immediate response/relief. The outcome is more happiness, more connection and yes more sex, we call this driving the car using the accelerator not the brake! This description typifies how men approach initiating sex, they try and drive their cars and accelerate from the lights by stamping on the brake, it takes a lot of effort, can become incredibly frustrating and not ever ever get the result they want, they resort to assuming something is wrong with the car (see image) and blame their partners lack of sex drive. Using the accelerator and learning how to use it gently leads to understanding, less stress and more frequently the desired result.

How do we do that?

It would be very easy at this point to give a list of steps to take, a bullet point list of what to DO (which men would LOVE) but that would largely be based around getting what men want, which ultimately is the problem here, too much focus on you - the man and his needs. The man really does have needs and if you can't have sex with your wife/partner, you'll go find someone who will have sex with you, but there is a better way to get those needs met that can bring more love rather than simply pleasure relief. That's the key word, men who learn how to love their wives better will find that not only are they happier because they are feeling more loving, but their wives will open up to them more s they feel safe knowing that her needs really are important to them.

What does that look like?

Below is an example of what driving using the accelerator....not the brake looks like

Jim comes home from work and he's tired, had a tough day, takes one look at Sally's face as he walks through the door and can see the two kids have left her feeling frustrated and tired beyond measure, she looks miserable. So he makes an intentional effort to put his tiredness and frustration to one side for now, go straight to Sally and says

Jim: "Hey you, it looks like you have had quite a day, what exactly would you like me to do right now? Would you like a hug?"

Sally "No, I have only got dinner half done and I need to....."

She reels off quite a list of what needs to be done.

Jim: "OK I can see you have a lot to do, I'm going to take both the kids upstairs, to give you some room down here, then when they're in the Bath, I can come clean up around you, does that work?" (Jim doesn't sympathise, is still not thinking or talking about himself AND doesn't expect Sally to make any more choices, HE chooses instead)

Later that night, the kids are in bed - Jim still isn't expecting sex or a return for his investment

Sally: "I'm so grateful for your help when you came home, I was about to blow a gasket when you got in through the door"

Jim: "There was a lot going on, you have worked really hard today, the kids can be tough sometimes. I would like to spend some time just hugging on the couch, have you got enough left to be willing to do that?"

Jim was really vulnerable in making this request, if Sally is tired it would be very easy to say no and he might feel rejected. Sally is also weary because Jim used to want these 'hugs' to lead to sex. This particular evening Jim didn't make this mistake, Sally really did want to connect with Jim in this way. Jim really does get to make requests for sex, but that again is a different topic.

Men - Question: How would Sally feel about Jim and herself as a result of all of the above? Be a great idea to speak to your wives/partners about this to see if you can find better ways to connect when the daily grind is leading to burnout.

Or for more specific help go to www.themarriagepeople.co.uk


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